Protecting your ‘bad driver’ partner is one thing. Absorbing the full brunt of each crash is another.
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Are you serving as someone’s guardrail?
Is your partner constantly driving the relationship and your shared life dangerously out of control?
Does he or she refuse to slow down, to heed the warning signs, relying instead on your boundaries—or what’s left of them—and your intervention to remain on the road?
If you’re constantly covering for impulsive behavior, constantly apologizing for, explaining, and deflecting mistakes, constantly shifting your priorities, abandoning your values, and sacrificing your dreams, and constantly justifying all of this to yourself—you’re guardrailing.
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Do you fear that failing to stand in the way, to keep absorbing each crushing impact, will let your partner not only crash but also burn, and that you’ll be responsible? |
Do you fear that failing to stand in the way, to keep absorbing each crushing impact, will let your partner not only crash but also burn, and that you’ll be responsible?
Are you your partner’s personal disaster-prevention program?
And is your life bent, twisted, dented, and smashed—evidence of the wreckage that each successive so-called “accident” causes?
Are you risking your own psychological disintegration?
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It is one thing to gently guide a loved one through life, to offer course corrections, to serve as a conscious reminder of conscience, and when necessary, to raise the red flag.
It is entirely another to paralyze yourself, to say, I cannot move, I must stay here and continue to sustain cumulative damage, because I and I alone stand between my partner and the abyss.
And it’s crucial to know the difference.
If you’re tolerating and hiding substance abuse, physical or emotional abuse, compulsive gambling or spending, sex addiction, risky activity, or the personality disorders often associated with these harmful behaviors, so your partner can appear normal, you’re guardrailing.
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It is one thing to gently guide a loved one through life. It is entirely another to paralyze yourself, to say, I cannot move, I must stay here and continue to sustain cumulative damage, because I and I alone stand between my partner and the abyss. |
I would surely take a bullet for my children.
But a lifetime of body blows for someone who has never learned to manage his or her own emotions or how to practice self-control?
No way.
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You can never be your best self if you’re guardrailing, because you’re sacrificing your best self for someone else.
A sacrifice is meant to be sacred, but there is nothing sacred about guardrailing.
A sacrifice is meant to be noble, but there is nothing noble about guardrailing.
A sacrifice is meant to be beneficial, but there is nothing beneficial about guardrailing.
The best way to help the person who keeps crashing into you is not to sacrifice your best self but to be your best self and do everything you must do to grow and thrive. To set and maintain clear boundaries and refuse to be used. To love yourself and demand better treatment. And if you don’t get it, to leave.
If you continue to guardrail, the reckless driving will never end. Instead of saying, “Just keep crashing into my wall,” you need to put up a big sign that says, “Steer Clear: If you want to keep traveling with me, buster, you’d better learn to drive.”
Portions of this post appeared previously as “Sacrifice” on the Tom Aplomb blog.
Photo—Lee Cannon/Flickr
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